Are you happy Mr.Superman?

Emotional Faucet Syndrome

You appear to be suffering from Emotional Faucet Syndrome, or EFS.

Symptoms of EFS are:

• Posting emotional messages on Twitter, Facebook, or “teh internets.”
• Getting bitch-slapped by @ZicklePop
• Listening to music on the radio that is called “punk.”

Cures for EFS are:

• STFU
• GTFO
• Growing a pair.
• Laughing at your own farts.

If symptoms continue please contact your local Kevorkian.

Jake's Rules of Digg (2009 Edition)

1. Turn off the Offbeat, Entertainment, World News, and Sports categories. If I wanted to see bullshit about that crap I’d go to a news site that is professionally written and doesn’t end every paragraph with “Ron Paul for Prez!”
2. Learn to bury stories. Stop posting shit like “Why is this on the front page?” and just shut your damn face and click bury.
3. Is another site talking about the same story on the front page and not the source you wanted? Then go fucking digg that one instead.
4. Don’t Digg sites that turn off the Diggbar on visit. I made a conscious decision to use the Diggbar, and you have to chose to use it now. If I click a link to say, Engadget, and those fuckers turn off my Diggbar, I won’t Digg it. Why? Because I had an easy way to click “digg” and they took it away from me. How the fuck does the Diggbar hurt them? Well by turning it off it lowers the publicity I give your site that’s for fucking sure. Eh, why am I digging Engadget anyway? All they do is repost shit they see on the internet with a sexual reference.
5. You can submit every new comic of XKCD, but I, and hopefully others won’t digg it until it is genuinely funny in a way that differentiates it from the previous days comic.

Jake's Rules of Flickr (2009 Edition)

1. Use photo notes sparingly. I mean, yeah, it can be funny if a whole group of people post notes on a photo but it takes away from the viewing experience. Especially if the notes have nothing to do with the photo. “LOL!”
2. Tag consistently and relevantly. One of the things even I have trouble with is tagging photos constantly. Do I tag this photo “iPhone” or “iPhone3gs”? Do I go back and change them? Another issue is do I tag the minor detail of the photo? I’d say not because I hate searching Flickr for a photo of a boat and I get a picture of something totally different.
3. Don’t upload every fucking photo. I don’t need to see your entire photo roll from your photo shoot. Pick the *one* good one and keep the rest in your stupid iPhoto album.
4. This isn’t fucking MySpace. This is a photography site, if I wanted to see your generic photo of you in the bathroom I’d follow you into the bathroom more often.
5. Bitch, don’t you dare think you can invite me to post photos to your Flickr Pool Group thingy.

Jake's Rules of Twitter (2009 Edition)

1. Don’t post vague shit. It doesn’t do anyone any good.
2. Don’t let Facebook, Dailybooth, Blip.fm, or ANYTHING automatically post shit to Twitter.
3. Be entertaining. I don’t give a fuck what you’re doing right now.
4. Don’t post five tweets in a row to get past the 140 character limit.
5. Don’t follow people because they are your “friend.” Follow people who are entertaining.
6. Don’t follow trends, because if I see another #justsayin I’m shoving that hash up your ash.
7. Twitter isn’t a place for you to blogspam us to fucking death.
8. Bitch, don’t you DARE think of posting the same tweet as a Facebook or MySpace status.
9. Don’t retweet. If I wanted to see whatever you retweeted I’d follow that person. Be original, not an asshole.

Jake's Rules of Facebook (1st Edition)

1. Don’t use Facebook apps. I don’t give a flying fuck about your stupid virtual farm or what Harry Potter character you think you are. Here’s an idea: go plant a fucking garden with your wasted free time and stop trying to be like Alice from Twilight. You obviously have bad work ethics and low self esteem to go as low as letting some fucking four choice question determine that you aren’t yourself but a stupid character. I am NOT John Gault.
2. Don’t bitch at me because your mom saw you tagged in a photo or video I uploaded of you doing something embarrassing. How about you take responsibility for your own actions. If you feel guilty about being yourself in front of your mom, then you are the one who fucked up, not me. You should also learn to use the privacy settings on Facebook to block people, like your stupid church, from seeing potentially offensive things.
3. Don’t bitch. I don’t want to see you whine about a bad day on your status updates. I don’t want to see you be racist or prejudice against others. This is Facebook, not Klanbook. Hate the queers? Hate the President? Shut your fucking face and treat the people reading with respect. If you wouldn’t say it to me, don’t say it to me and those “hundreds” of people you call friends. Also: Funny how people post racist shit, then don’t want their church seeing that video where they making the intercourse motion with their hands. Those people have real issues..
4. Upload a photo one. Stop uploading the same photo multiple places. Stop posting 100 shots of the same subject from the same photo shoot. Hur-fucking-ray, you learned how to use the multi-shot feature. Now learn to edit yourself and pick the ONE good one and upload it.
5. Stop fanning shit. Why the hell did you feel the need to be a fan of “breathing”? That’s not what fan pages are for. Fan pages are for celebrities, who didn’t want to add your lame patootie to their actual Facebook profile, to keep up with their fans. What kind of updates does “breathing” post? Hopefully messages to tell the people who fan that shit to go commit suicide.

The Classy Social Network

Facebook and MySpace are giant, Twitter is the only thing I’ve seen that could possibly, and I believe will, out-grow them. Now since they already have a giant user database, in order to make it superior, we want to think about the users. Do they want to sign up for yet another social networking site? No. Facebook and MySpace both provide API’s and login structures to allow third party applications and developers access the users account info. So let’s take something like Facebook Connect so the user doesn’t have to post things twice. Migration problem will be non-existent this way.

Now to improve on Facebook and MySpace. Step one, get rid of Facebook and Myspace “apps” and “quizzes.” Also, upon first log in to this superior social network, your Facebook and MySpace is scanned for certain activities. If you have ever done a quiz or “sold a friend” you will not be permitted to use this site. Sorry, I said superior, and this is going to be a classy operation.

So what have we done? We have made it where any current MySpace and Facebook user can migrate over. This allows there millions of users to come over, and then we tell the millions of people who do quizzes they cannot use the service because we are the superior social network and we do not need to know which Harry Potter character they are. This site will be called “The Classy Operation” and the slogan will be “The Galt’s Gulch of Social Networking.”

The Wonderful Wizard of Jobs

In my version of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Dorothy has been replaced with George Clooney. The purpose of which is to make the story more popular to contrast the other people in my version of the story. George Clooney gets hit by a tornado and winds up Geek-land. He is met by a roar of cheer from the little fat geeks for upon his landing he landed on Steve Balmer, crushing him.

Bill Gates appears and threatens George Clooney, after getting his autograph and asking him to be in their next advertisement. George Clooney declines and pulls out his first generation iPod which immediately scares off Bill Gates. The little fat geeks tell George Clooney he needs to go see The Wizard of Jobs for protection from the Wicked Bill of the Redmond.

George Clooney takes the “Limited Edition Rumored Yellow Submarine iPhone” road to head towards The Wizard of Jobs. Along the road he meets a scarecrow named Yahoo, who has no brain; Zune, a tin man with no heart; and the Cowardly Vista, who is half man and half pig (with lipstick).

The road takes them to the White City. They meet with the giant floating head known as the Jobs but while they are meeting with him the computer that is projecting the giant head has a kernel panic revealing the head as a computer simulation. This exposes the great wizard as actually a puny aging man in a black turtleneck and jeans. The group with George Clooney and Steve Jobs then have an on going laugh, like you would see in a 70’s sitcom and then they all turn into silhouettes and start dancing like an iPod commercial.